S@NitY of TrUe L0Ve

There's how this May ends
And how the coming June begins

http://sanityactheng.blogspot.com/

stubborn

yes, I'm pretty much stubborn
What I want I'll try to do it
I thought I'm right

For god sake
I'm sick of tired bugging people that wish to get rid of me
Fine
I'll be good
I'll be strong
I'm stubborn but I'll find my way
The most stubborn one
Won't let people look down on me anymore

I just realized everyone is grateful to get rid of me
Both of them
OR am I being sensitive?

I just finished the blog
And then
haiz
Like seriously, God what you want?

I wish I can smile and pretend nothing happened?
Smile and keep everything just like I used to

I'm afraid to smile if I don't mean it
Cause I'm afraid I will get lost
At least now I know I'm unhappy
I'm upset and hurt
If I smile I'm convinced that I'm fine just like it used to happened

Urgh!
My second lifetime down turn
I never thought I can be like that
I mean I know sometime I'm weak that pretend to be fine
But I never thought I can be such vulnerable

After that day I thought my world had turn to hell
It's as if the end of the world
None of the things got well
I mean NONE
I'm weak and don't want to do anything
Technically I don't do anything
I don't drink
I don't eat
I don't sleep
I don't talk
Night time make me cried and pain the most especially with phone around
just remind of me NEW MOON
I'm worst than that

But I know God still loves me
HE let my friends to be around me
Let them accompanied me until I left Melaka
Let me went back home and calm myself
Surrounding by loves and cares
Remind me of my past

I used to swear I've never be so.unprotected before
But after all these years
I actually forgotten

Part of me misses him A LOT
But you know what's worst?
He won't
I bet he would wish that I'll just leave him alone
I mean, why would he cares about me?
I never blame him
I never mad
I just upset
It was my fault
I mean, it's my fault
I'm just not good enough
He deserve someone better

Part of me realized that if he doesn't want me
Why I'm still here so redundant?
I get myself into hospital then what?
Did he care? Did he call?
No
I mean what should I be thinking?
The promise?
He will always be there for me?
That moment, yes
For now, I know I damn wish the promise still count
But this time it meant for her
I so wish, I mean like praying wish that he might change his mind
But will it happened?
Only God knows

What actually I planned to say now?
I forgotten

But now?
I'm hurt and injured
I need to be cured
Mentally or physically
Hospital is my next station
Like it's a must
Just the matter of time
So, face the fact

I don't know how long it takes for.me.to be better
But I want my life back
I want my friendship back
I said that I used to wish that you got someone else so we can be normal friend
Maybe it's tough but at least we tried
I not sure what he thinks
But I really wish even though we can't be lover, we are still friend
If he wants to

I guess currently everyone is worry
even my parents
even myself
I pretty much worry.about myself
I mean why I can be such fragile?
Shiver while recalling stuff
Headache? Heart pain? Asthma?
Hell them!
I.cried when my sister try to snatch my doll
I mean this only happened when.we were child right?
Sinyong said that she never like ever thought I can be such fragile
Sorry, I'm strong for too long

Time to build the castle back again
Slowly and nicely
I have friends here that cares about me
I.know I'm not.that bad
At least I have.someone
I'm not.in the worst scenario right?
I.mean, I want to leave and hell if can I wish to.die
But this is.not the worst right?

I.lost everything
and.I'll build them.again slowly
You with me?

All I wish is God don't make.another.jokes to.me
I can't take it.anymore

Magnet of Trouble

I mean like seriously
Am I born to attract trouble and problems?
I never stop getting my own problems
Yet I keep getting new ones

Seriously, I just wish that you would just like leave me alone
God!

Used to

I used to shut things down for more than a year
and I know I will be able to do it again

I used to be strong
I know I will be stronger

What I used to
I know I'm good
I just forgotten

Afraid

After this, I think I am afraid
Afraid of believing
Afraid of people

Guess this time is my fault
Just like what they said
I get myself into this hot soup
And I am the only person who get myself into this
I don't deny
I don't want to deny

No matter how the truth is
I know what happen
I know what I did
I know what I did is wrong
And I deserve it

Currently, and technically
I'm damn
I'm afraid
I lost the center of mind
I lost my confidence
I lost my believe
I lost my faith
I lost everything
Almost everything
Besides my friends
They try to get me back into pieces
I know they are trying very hard
I mean VERY VERY hard

It's like they are having a patrol so that I won't be alone
So that I am taken care of
So that I have someone
Protect me as much as possible

James said that I lost all the energy and faith
Looking into my eyes
He can't see any sparks and faith
The only thing he felt is I am "flying"

Jack said that I am the person without soul
I lost confidence
I don't talk
I don't eat
I don't sleep
I don't drink
Technically I don't do anything
I'm just a person without soul

Sin Yong said that I am too decadence
She said everyone can be like this when they break down
BUT never
Never like this
She said even decadence also need to have certain limits
But not like this
I am way too much over the normal limits
As if I wishes that I've never live
Honestly, I thought of it that why should I ever exist
There are some slight thought that why not just end it right here right now and redeem my punishment
But after like few second
I knew I wouldn't do it

So whatever it is
I am too deprave until I even notice about it
Until everyone is worried
I mean worry sick
I shiver when I'm alone cause I'm scare
I don't talk to people cause I'm afraid
For god sake
I'm seriously mentally damn

But as I said
GOD has plan for me
HE let him come down like this
Make me been through this hell
And HE still treating me nice by letting me home at the very first right moment
Even though it doesn't help much but it will help

Thanks to Justin and Jack
I mean without them
I'm gone
Like gone, gone
I think without them
What my parents see me today is not their daughter
By that time
I am not hurting myself but them
Even things doesn't get well easily but at least I have someone around
I have Sin Yong, Justin, Jack, James, Juin How
Everyone
Everyone is worried about me

I lost my confidence
I lost my faith in loving people
I lost my truth in believing people
I lost my haughtiness of my ability
I lost my leadership
I lost everything
And I know I need to get back together
And gather them all back
When I back
I will be tougher
I will be stronger
Next time, I will be able to protect myself better
Next time, there won't be a next time

I promised him I will try to make myself better within that period of time
I promised him I will try to be stronger
I promised him I will do what he said
I promised lots of friends
I promised Everyone

I'll try to be strong even I'm not
This time when I get home
It recall how tough I am when I gone through the darkest day in my life
This is my second
And I knew how to go through them
I've been through once, I know I will been through it again for the second time
I know how to protect myself
I know how to be strong
I know how
I just forgotten
I think that's the window GOD given to me
HE gave me hope
Hopes that given from my friends

No matter how much I'm afraid
Even it will take a long time
But next time when I see him
I know I'll be stronger

Hell

I'm a girl that deserve hell

Fucked uP

Pretty much am fucked up
Haven't eat anything yet whole day
I was like crying like hell
Whatever I do
I brushed my teeth, bathing, watching movie etc etc
Even holding handphone hurts
Cause all our story are using phone
How Bitch yeh I am

I can't stop crying
I can't stop
I just can't

Pretty much fucked up

Sister

She find me but seriously I am so fucking tired
Just imagine how mentally and physically tired I am
I really tired and weak to do anything
Even talking
I'm pretty much a mess

What she told me is if I really want to get him, go and get it
If can't just let go
The problem is, he is never an option anymore
He belong to somebody

People up there got plan for us so just follow the flow
Who knows someone better is waiting for you
Being fooled or played
Learn from the mistakes
Beware next time so that you won't get hurt
Dad said being fooled by outsiders, we can only blame ourself for not being careful enough and too trusted

You can be upset, you can badly upset
You can cry
You can do anything to feel better
Give yourself a time
But after that time
pamper yourself back

Learn the lessen
If he really did it on purpose
It means he is not the one
So take your time to recover

Again,
Ang family girls are not easy girl
No worry, you are tougher than you thought
You will be fine


Practically, is me not deserve anybody
It's not about anyone deserve me
After all this, it makes me felt that
No matter how good or how bad you treated that person
It will always ended up hurting myself
I don't deserve anyone of them
All I deserve is all the mess and pain caused
An eye for an eye

I am strong
But I just don't know how to be stronger
I can't held my piece up together
I tried I really am trying
But Stronger is the words that to stranger to me

I gave them my heart and that's how it ends
How can I be stronger with this kind of condition?
Technically, my condition is really fucking sucks
I am no more human
No more proper human
All I did is cry whole day and being fucked up

I am a messed !

Friends

I guess I have many friends around me
Thanks guys
Thanks for the call

Juin How called
Guess he worried sick
From the way he spoke
I'm sorry buddy
I'm sorry I being affected by people
I'm sorry I am fragile with what people did to me
Yet I never know how to protect myself

You said I am a strong girl
You said I used to get through worst scenario when I was small
This time, all I need is to be stronger
Stronger and take good care of myself

Strong
This word had made me my whole life
Stronger?
After what he did to me?
Pretty much hard didn't it
It's like he use a few sentence to kill the rest of me just in a quick second
I know it's my fault
I'm sorry

You felt that he doesn't worth it
Nobody that said love me so much will ever did this to me
He is not telling the truth
You said he and her had already a couple
The only reason that you can think of him coming down
1. To fool you
2. Backup plan
Whatever it is
No matter whatever intention he did
I deserve it
I mean I like caused him so much pain
And if this is what he planned for me
I deserve it

He said he loves me
I guess I have to use he loved me
I don't have choice didn't I ?
People choose others over me
And there are things that I can't complain
I deserve it
It's my fault

Regarding Jack
Again, It's my fault
I had hurt him
I guess I hurt all of them
I really deserve it
If really possible that death can ever redeem all these pain, I will do it
The only thing is it won't
If only I can do is to endure the pain

It just remind me that all people that claim to love me
End up hurt by me
And at the end they hurt me as well
At the end, I alone hurting myself
What the fucking life I have

He gave me another week to get myself together
Cry for another week
Mourn for another week
It had been months after everything happens
I wish I can

I'm sorry for making all of you like worry sick
I am so sorry
I think this is the first time you guys seen this kind of me
Feel shocked?
I'm so sorry
I never thought I can be so messy
I'm sorry

办不到

要我把你忘了，我办不到
要你留下，你办不到
要我不难过，我也办不到
到底我还有什么可以办得到的？

Let Go

Kah Hoe came just now
Kinda surprise that he will drop by
He tried to calm me down
But I guess as everyone said
Nobody ever seen me like this
He knew why
All he said is don't think too much
Don't push yourself too hard

Of  course, my health
Think he has some knowledge about health as usual
What he said to me
Well, partly is true
Seriously, make me a bit scare
Scare to make medical checkup
Scare to face the fact that there are something wrong with me

But seriously, I am so fucked up
I doesn't want to care about it YET

Let go, sound easy
Can I able to do I?
Currently, I almost break down
Break down
That's all I did

Kah Hoe want me to promise that I will never cry again
Sorry, I can't
I felt pain, I felt uneasiness, I felt unhappy
I felt a lot of negative emotion
Cry is the only thing I can do to ease everything
Yes, I might cried too long too unusually
Everyone is worried about me
Everyone warn me about the stupid asthma
Really, I just don't want to care

I tried to pieced up
I wished I wished I wished
But my wish never get accomplished
Let go, I can't make it now
Stupid Me

This time

guess this time I've made everyone worry
sorry buddies, I'm trying hard
I really do
To be strong
To be positive
I really do

Guess I'm just pathetic
But I'm glad to have you all
Even though you guys weren't here
You tried and worried
I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I think I owe a person an apology
I think maybe he hates me right now
I suddenly felt that I don't know him at all
I really thought he don't love me anymore
Yeah, just like Justin said, I am an idiot

I'm sorry that I hurt you
I'm sorry that I find him
I'm sorry that I am such a mess
I'm sorry that I am so fucked up
I'm sorry that I get myself hurt again and again

I'm sorry
After that night, I knew you want to protect me from him
You saw me crying and stuff
You asked me did it hurt that much? Are you really fall for him?
I don't have answer all I know is it hurt

It's like finally you give a chance to a person
And he just return the favour just like that

I'm sorry that you have to see me like this
I really don't know how long it going to takes

 

I miss him

I actually had fallen for him from the beginning
I lied to myself for like  years
Until I really thought I didn't
I really thought I've had get rid of you
I pretended I'm fine
Until 19.05.2013

I said I want to let you go
I want, but I don't think I can
But you know what's ironic?
There are others right now
I guess as you said our position had switched

I knew you no longer love me
I knew you had let me go
It's always her after all
I wish it's not too late
But I am

He said that it's different as you guys are not couple yet
It's not me for being the 3rd parties
But
You don't want me anymore
It's only me who think too much

You know everything is fine
Perfectly fine UNTIL that day
Really until that day
I really did wrong that day
I shouldn't have feel something for you
I agreed with the saying
"You gave him a heart, he stepped it and return back to you"
"my sweet little gurl, you had been played, why are you so careless?"
"You are definitely  than you imagine"

You know what's the main problem?
I fell for you
And when I lied, he said, " Jezzzz, don't lie gurl, I know you too many years already"
Now, IF only I can stop loving you
IF only I can stop thinking about you
But I wish I can

What Jack felt is "Why are you still headed to someone that doesn't love you anymore?"
"people had chosen others over you, people don't want you anymore remember?"
Yeah, he don't want me anymore
I get it
I am so fucked up and get myself to this mess again and again
I promised, I mean we promised each other this is the last time
I know you going to keep it
And I know it
There is nothing I can do
Particularly when there are someone else
There are nothing I can do

The only reason that you gave me is "There are too many things happened between us"
And what he told me is "it's just excuses for not loving you"
Guess what?
I felt I deserve it
As much as I did to you last time
I deserve it
Karma, that's why

I'm a messed

It's like serious seriously I am a mess
I guess all my life is upside down now
It's not really upside down
But technically is a mess
And one day I might get into trouble
I'm just gonna pray hard

I was thinking about rubbish during the work almost whole day
And it got me into trouble
Really really really #$%^&$%#^%O*
At this moment, I guess I really hate myself
What's the point of thinking all those stuff and make myself so fucked up
And at the end, make myself even worst
What's the point?

MC

好不舒服
很想明天拿MC
可以吗？
拿了又怎样？

如果可以选择

如果可以选择
我宁愿不相信爱情
我宁愿不相信承诺

如果可以选择
我宁愿没开始过
我宁愿不认识你们

一个月3段感情
3段很久的感情就这样解决了
一派烂摊子

基本上现在的我比烂摊子都不如
我庆幸没有考试
我庆幸没有什么重要的责任在身上
我好想这样颓废下去

为什么每个人都是这样？
一个不谅解我，觉得我不够好，觉得我不体谅他不肯妥协
一个有这样的伤害我
爱情这个游戏一点都不好玩
付出的不但没有平等而且还是那样的
是我不适合被人爱
还是我根本不适合跟任何人在一起？