Why is it so hard to get some understanding?

tomorrow will be the fighting day, which is my English examination. That is why i choose to express my feeling through English rather than Chinese. Whatever it is, tomorrow will be the worst war ever in MMU so far. None of the subject has really drive me this crazy before. I know i wasn't really work hard for this semester and i deeply stressed to myself that there will be no more fooling around next semester which i am going to concentrate on my studies rather than anything. I have learn my lesson and now I have to pay for it.

Why is it has to be so hard to get some understanding from others? well i have to admit that i am a little bit pushy whenever comes to the academic thing. Regardless to this, you can't really blame me because gone are the days when i was a high scorer in anything. Well, i already pulled down my standard where i no longer heading towards the highest and the best, but i just don't want to get behind that much, don't you get it? why can't you guys understand why am i so stress and tension when it comes to this matter? is that so hard to attain your understanding? all you guys think is that i am so hardworking and i can do it. Some of them even worst where they think i was just bluffing. haiz.. since when they realized that i am not that good as they imagined me in their mind?

examination and studies is vital to me and i admit that i lost the track for almost 3 months. But now I'm back where i am going to start working on and no more fooling around. If you notice that, i spend numerous time for fun rather than studies. Gone are the days when i was always study, study and study. All the stress is going to be a standstill right after that examination.

i have made my mind that i won't burnt my finger again this semester where I am going to work really hard and try to hit my target once and for all. saves all the regret and start working!! one goal, one spirit, one determination!!! lazy bone already become a thing of the past where i can't change. Yet, i will work hard to get what I want.

sorrow and stress

sorrow and hurt that you never going to imagine of..
hate and irritates that you never going to think of..
disappointment and disagreement that you never going to go through of..

you guys just never know that you guys never going to deserve any forgiveness from me.. anyone of you especially.. whatever.. i am not going to mention your name here.. you guys never ever.. i swear to God..

you guys don't know how it feels like to be betrayed..
you guys don't know how it looks like to be disappointed...
you guys don't know how it feels like to be rejected..
again and again..
AGAIN AND AGAIN...

you guys never know how it feels that i have to keep on reminding myself not to put any hope on it anymore so that i won't get hurt again and again..
did you guys ever never dare to wish or think or just a short while of "maybe" just because you don't want yourself to get disappointed again?

like i said.. you guys never.. because you guys are such a innocent and naive..
you guys just never know..

you guys think that i won't have the right to be mad? to be irritating?
well, you guys are wrong.. totally WRONG!!! i just don't want to think about it because i just don't want to ruin our friendship.. but you are ruin mine.. ruin anything about my hope which you guys think it is NOTHING..!!!

i hate you guys...!!! i hate you all!!!! thanks for being the first person that i shout out loud that i hate you all!!! you guys should be proud of yourself!!!!!

i wasn't really into anything these days.. except my studies..
my book..
they never betrayed me..
they never hurt me..
they never let me down..
they never put me aside..
they never do anything to harm me..
not like anyone of you..

i really worn out these days.. stress.. tired.. sad.. i really think that maybe i should just go for a rest and never wake up for one day.. but i couldn't because my beloved book is waiting for me to read them.. all the happiness i gain now is from my books..

get me out of here and i want my home.. i want to go back home..
i want to go back home where they is always warm around me..
dad's, mum's and sis's..
it wasn't a happy thing to go back home but at least it is much warmer compared here..
i wasn't going to have a warm hug from my parents or my sister..
at least i won't get hurt deeply in my heart..
at least i won't tear about something stupid every night..
at least i won't have to so scare of hoping anything..
at least i won't have to hate anyone..
at least i am save there in my home..
i am save with the warm shell my parents made for me..
i am secured..
even i have to be tough in front of my parents but..
at least i can hide behind them whenever anything happen..
at least i can save all the sorrow and stress for a moment..
at least i am protected..

dad mention before:"after you go out one day, out alone by yourself without us beside you, you will know the happiness you gain from family is always the warmest and the best because we will always there for you"
daddy~ i miss you.. T.T

let all of these past and end.. i just wanna go home..