S@NitY of TrUe L0Ve

There's how this May ends
And how the coming June begins

http://sanityactheng.blogspot.com/

stubborn

yes, I'm pretty much stubborn
What I want I'll try to do it
I thought I'm right

For god sake
I'm sick of tired bugging people that wish to get rid of me
Fine
I'll be good
I'll be strong
I'm stubborn but I'll find my way
The most stubborn one
Won't let people look down on me anymore

I just realized everyone is grateful to get rid of me
Both of them
OR am I being sensitive?

I just finished the blog
And then
haiz
Like seriously, God what you want?

I wish I can smile and pretend nothing happened?
Smile and keep everything just like I used to

I'm afraid to smile if I don't mean it
Cause I'm afraid I will get lost
At least now I know I'm unhappy
I'm upset and hurt
If I smile I'm convinced that I'm fine just like it used to happened

Urgh!
My second lifetime down turn
I never thought I can be like that
I mean I know sometime I'm weak that pretend to be fine
But I never thought I can be such vulnerable

After that day I thought my world had turn to hell
It's as if the end of the world
None of the things got well
I mean NONE
I'm weak and don't want to do anything
Technically I don't do anything
I don't drink
I don't eat
I don't sleep
I don't talk
Night time make me cried and pain the most especially with phone around
just remind of me NEW MOON
I'm worst than that

But I know God still loves me
HE let my friends to be around me
Let them accompanied me until I left Melaka
Let me went back home and calm myself
Surrounding by loves and cares
Remind me of my past

I used to swear I've never be so.unprotected before
But after all these years
I actually forgotten

Part of me misses him A LOT
But you know what's worst?
He won't
I bet he would wish that I'll just leave him alone
I mean, why would he cares about me?
I never blame him
I never mad
I just upset
It was my fault
I mean, it's my fault
I'm just not good enough
He deserve someone better

Part of me realized that if he doesn't want me
Why I'm still here so redundant?
I get myself into hospital then what?
Did he care? Did he call?
No
I mean what should I be thinking?
The promise?
He will always be there for me?
That moment, yes
For now, I know I damn wish the promise still count
But this time it meant for her
I so wish, I mean like praying wish that he might change his mind
But will it happened?
Only God knows

What actually I planned to say now?
I forgotten

But now?
I'm hurt and injured
I need to be cured
Mentally or physically
Hospital is my next station
Like it's a must
Just the matter of time
So, face the fact

I don't know how long it takes for.me.to be better
But I want my life back
I want my friendship back
I said that I used to wish that you got someone else so we can be normal friend
Maybe it's tough but at least we tried
I not sure what he thinks
But I really wish even though we can't be lover, we are still friend
If he wants to

I guess currently everyone is worry
even my parents
even myself
I pretty much worry.about myself
I mean why I can be such fragile?
Shiver while recalling stuff
Headache? Heart pain? Asthma?
Hell them!
I.cried when my sister try to snatch my doll
I mean this only happened when.we were child right?
Sinyong said that she never like ever thought I can be such fragile
Sorry, I'm strong for too long

Time to build the castle back again
Slowly and nicely
I have friends here that cares about me
I.know I'm not.that bad
At least I have.someone
I'm not.in the worst scenario right?
I.mean, I want to leave and hell if can I wish to.die
But this is.not the worst right?

I.lost everything
and.I'll build them.again slowly
You with me?

All I wish is God don't make.another.jokes to.me
I can't take it.anymore

Magnet of Trouble

I mean like seriously
Am I born to attract trouble and problems?
I never stop getting my own problems
Yet I keep getting new ones

Seriously, I just wish that you would just like leave me alone
God!

Used to

I used to shut things down for more than a year
and I know I will be able to do it again

I used to be strong
I know I will be stronger

What I used to
I know I'm good
I just forgotten

Afraid

After this, I think I am afraid
Afraid of believing
Afraid of people

Guess this time is my fault
Just like what they said
I get myself into this hot soup
And I am the only person who get myself into this
I don't deny
I don't want to deny

No matter how the truth is
I know what happen
I know what I did
I know what I did is wrong
And I deserve it

Currently, and technically
I'm damn
I'm afraid
I lost the center of mind
I lost my confidence
I lost my believe
I lost my faith
I lost everything
Almost everything
Besides my friends
They try to get me back into pieces
I know they are trying very hard
I mean VERY VERY hard

It's like they are having a patrol so that I won't be alone
So that I am taken care of
So that I have someone
Protect me as much as possible

James said that I lost all the energy and faith
Looking into my eyes
He can't see any sparks and faith
The only thing he felt is I am "flying"

Jack said that I am the person without soul
I lost confidence
I don't talk
I don't eat
I don't sleep
I don't drink
Technically I don't do anything
I'm just a person without soul

Sin Yong said that I am too decadence
She said everyone can be like this when they break down
BUT never
Never like this
She said even decadence also need to have certain limits
But not like this
I am way too much over the normal limits
As if I wishes that I've never live
Honestly, I thought of it that why should I ever exist
There are some slight thought that why not just end it right here right now and redeem my punishment
But after like few second
I knew I wouldn't do it

So whatever it is
I am too deprave until I even notice about it
Until everyone is worried
I mean worry sick
I shiver when I'm alone cause I'm scare
I don't talk to people cause I'm afraid
For god sake
I'm seriously mentally damn

But as I said
GOD has plan for me
HE let him come down like this
Make me been through this hell
And HE still treating me nice by letting me home at the very first right moment
Even though it doesn't help much but it will help

Thanks to Justin and Jack
I mean without them
I'm gone
Like gone, gone
I think without them
What my parents see me today is not their daughter
By that time
I am not hurting myself but them
Even things doesn't get well easily but at least I have someone around
I have Sin Yong, Justin, Jack, James, Juin How
Everyone
Everyone is worried about me

I lost my confidence
I lost my faith in loving people
I lost my truth in believing people
I lost my haughtiness of my ability
I lost my leadership
I lost everything
And I know I need to get back together
And gather them all back
When I back
I will be tougher
I will be stronger
Next time, I will be able to protect myself better
Next time, there won't be a next time

I promised him I will try to make myself better within that period of time
I promised him I will try to be stronger
I promised him I will do what he said
I promised lots of friends
I promised Everyone

I'll try to be strong even I'm not
This time when I get home
It recall how tough I am when I gone through the darkest day in my life
This is my second
And I knew how to go through them
I've been through once, I know I will been through it again for the second time
I know how to protect myself
I know how to be strong
I know how
I just forgotten
I think that's the window GOD given to me
HE gave me hope
Hopes that given from my friends

No matter how much I'm afraid
Even it will take a long time
But next time when I see him
I know I'll be stronger

Hell

I'm a girl that deserve hell

Fucked uP

Pretty much am fucked up
Haven't eat anything yet whole day
I was like crying like hell
Whatever I do
I brushed my teeth, bathing, watching movie etc etc
Even holding handphone hurts
Cause all our story are using phone
How Bitch yeh I am

I can't stop crying
I can't stop
I just can't

Pretty much fucked up

Sister

She find me but seriously I am so fucking tired
Just imagine how mentally and physically tired I am
I really tired and weak to do anything
Even talking
I'm pretty much a mess

What she told me is if I really want to get him, go and get it
If can't just let go
The problem is, he is never an option anymore
He belong to somebody

People up there got plan for us so just follow the flow
Who knows someone better is waiting for you
Being fooled or played
Learn from the mistakes
Beware next time so that you won't get hurt
Dad said being fooled by outsiders, we can only blame ourself for not being careful enough and too trusted

You can be upset, you can badly upset
You can cry
You can do anything to feel better
Give yourself a time
But after that time
pamper yourself back

Learn the lessen
If he really did it on purpose
It means he is not the one
So take your time to recover

Again,
Ang family girls are not easy girl
No worry, you are tougher than you thought
You will be fine


Practically, is me not deserve anybody
It's not about anyone deserve me
After all this, it makes me felt that
No matter how good or how bad you treated that person
It will always ended up hurting myself
I don't deserve anyone of them
All I deserve is all the mess and pain caused
An eye for an eye

I am strong
But I just don't know how to be stronger
I can't held my piece up together
I tried I really am trying
But Stronger is the words that to stranger to me

I gave them my heart and that's how it ends
How can I be stronger with this kind of condition?
Technically, my condition is really fucking sucks
I am no more human
No more proper human
All I did is cry whole day and being fucked up

I am a messed !

Friends

I guess I have many friends around me
Thanks guys
Thanks for the call

Juin How called
Guess he worried sick
From the way he spoke
I'm sorry buddy
I'm sorry I being affected by people
I'm sorry I am fragile with what people did to me
Yet I never know how to protect myself

You said I am a strong girl
You said I used to get through worst scenario when I was small
This time, all I need is to be stronger
Stronger and take good care of myself

Strong
This word had made me my whole life
Stronger?
After what he did to me?
Pretty much hard didn't it
It's like he use a few sentence to kill the rest of me just in a quick second
I know it's my fault
I'm sorry

You felt that he doesn't worth it
Nobody that said love me so much will ever did this to me
He is not telling the truth
You said he and her had already a couple
The only reason that you can think of him coming down
1. To fool you
2. Backup plan
Whatever it is
No matter whatever intention he did
I deserve it
I mean I like caused him so much pain
And if this is what he planned for me
I deserve it

He said he loves me
I guess I have to use he loved me
I don't have choice didn't I ?
People choose others over me
And there are things that I can't complain
I deserve it
It's my fault

Regarding Jack
Again, It's my fault
I had hurt him
I guess I hurt all of them
I really deserve it
If really possible that death can ever redeem all these pain, I will do it
The only thing is it won't
If only I can do is to endure the pain

It just remind me that all people that claim to love me
End up hurt by me
And at the end they hurt me as well
At the end, I alone hurting myself
What the fucking life I have

He gave me another week to get myself together
Cry for another week
Mourn for another week
It had been months after everything happens
I wish I can

I'm sorry for making all of you like worry sick
I am so sorry
I think this is the first time you guys seen this kind of me
Feel shocked?
I'm so sorry
I never thought I can be so messy
I'm sorry

办不到

要我把你忘了，我办不到
要你留下，你办不到
要我不难过，我也办不到
到底我还有什么可以办得到的？

Let Go

Kah Hoe came just now
Kinda surprise that he will drop by
He tried to calm me down
But I guess as everyone said
Nobody ever seen me like this
He knew why
All he said is don't think too much
Don't push yourself too hard

Of  course, my health
Think he has some knowledge about health as usual
What he said to me
Well, partly is true
Seriously, make me a bit scare
Scare to make medical checkup
Scare to face the fact that there are something wrong with me

But seriously, I am so fucked up
I doesn't want to care about it YET

Let go, sound easy
Can I able to do I?
Currently, I almost break down
Break down
That's all I did

Kah Hoe want me to promise that I will never cry again
Sorry, I can't
I felt pain, I felt uneasiness, I felt unhappy
I felt a lot of negative emotion
Cry is the only thing I can do to ease everything
Yes, I might cried too long too unusually
Everyone is worried about me
Everyone warn me about the stupid asthma
Really, I just don't want to care

I tried to pieced up
I wished I wished I wished
But my wish never get accomplished
Let go, I can't make it now
Stupid Me

This time

guess this time I've made everyone worry
sorry buddies, I'm trying hard
I really do
To be strong
To be positive
I really do

Guess I'm just pathetic
But I'm glad to have you all
Even though you guys weren't here
You tried and worried
I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I think I owe a person an apology
I think maybe he hates me right now
I suddenly felt that I don't know him at all
I really thought he don't love me anymore
Yeah, just like Justin said, I am an idiot

I'm sorry that I hurt you
I'm sorry that I find him
I'm sorry that I am such a mess
I'm sorry that I am so fucked up
I'm sorry that I get myself hurt again and again

I'm sorry
After that night, I knew you want to protect me from him
You saw me crying and stuff
You asked me did it hurt that much? Are you really fall for him?
I don't have answer all I know is it hurt

It's like finally you give a chance to a person
And he just return the favour just like that

I'm sorry that you have to see me like this
I really don't know how long it going to takes

 

I miss him

I actually had fallen for him from the beginning
I lied to myself for like  years
Until I really thought I didn't
I really thought I've had get rid of you
I pretended I'm fine
Until 19.05.2013

I said I want to let you go
I want, but I don't think I can
But you know what's ironic?
There are others right now
I guess as you said our position had switched

I knew you no longer love me
I knew you had let me go
It's always her after all
I wish it's not too late
But I am

He said that it's different as you guys are not couple yet
It's not me for being the 3rd parties
But
You don't want me anymore
It's only me who think too much

You know everything is fine
Perfectly fine UNTIL that day
Really until that day
I really did wrong that day
I shouldn't have feel something for you
I agreed with the saying
"You gave him a heart, he stepped it and return back to you"
"my sweet little gurl, you had been played, why are you so careless?"
"You are definitely  than you imagine"

You know what's the main problem?
I fell for you
And when I lied, he said, " Jezzzz, don't lie gurl, I know you too many years already"
Now, IF only I can stop loving you
IF only I can stop thinking about you
But I wish I can

What Jack felt is "Why are you still headed to someone that doesn't love you anymore?"
"people had chosen others over you, people don't want you anymore remember?"
Yeah, he don't want me anymore
I get it
I am so fucked up and get myself to this mess again and again
I promised, I mean we promised each other this is the last time
I know you going to keep it
And I know it
There is nothing I can do
Particularly when there are someone else
There are nothing I can do

The only reason that you gave me is "There are too many things happened between us"
And what he told me is "it's just excuses for not loving you"
Guess what?
I felt I deserve it
As much as I did to you last time
I deserve it
Karma, that's why

I'm a messed

It's like serious seriously I am a mess
I guess all my life is upside down now
It's not really upside down
But technically is a mess
And one day I might get into trouble
I'm just gonna pray hard

I was thinking about rubbish during the work almost whole day
And it got me into trouble
Really really really #$%^&$%#^%O*
At this moment, I guess I really hate myself
What's the point of thinking all those stuff and make myself so fucked up
And at the end, make myself even worst
What's the point?

MC

好不舒服
很想明天拿MC
可以吗？
拿了又怎样？

如果可以选择

如果可以选择
我宁愿不相信爱情
我宁愿不相信承诺

如果可以选择
我宁愿没开始过
我宁愿不认识你们

一个月3段感情
3段很久的感情就这样解决了
一派烂摊子

基本上现在的我比烂摊子都不如
我庆幸没有考试
我庆幸没有什么重要的责任在身上
我好想这样颓废下去

为什么每个人都是这样？
一个不谅解我，觉得我不够好，觉得我不体谅他不肯妥协
一个有这样的伤害我
爱情这个游戏一点都不好玩
付出的不但没有平等而且还是那样的
是我不适合被人爱
还是我根本不适合跟任何人在一起？

我是一个笨傻子

打从心底难过
是因为他骗了我吗？
可以告诉我到底是为了什么？

我难过
但是我谁都不想找
只要想把自己溺在水里不想上来

好一句“把我当作负心汉吧”
好一句“对不起”
我不明白我为什么那么难过
坦白说我真的很想很想离开这里
如果可以我真的不想再回来了

如果你有了另一半，我祝福你
但是既然人家在你心里已经有那么重的地位了
为什么还要特地回来找我？
对我好，关心我，照料我
意思在哪里?
问我愿不愿意接受你？
问我可不可以让你抱？
到底是为了什么？
不是已经有了别人了吗？
为什么还要回来找我对我做那么多事
还告诉我你想我喜欢我什么的
你把我当作什么了？

你说我把你当什么？
一直不照顾你的感受
让你难过
但起码，我没骗过你
而你呢？
做了那么多的事，其实你根本就已经有了另一个人
把我当傻子那样的甩好玩吗？

你说你没玩弄我
我姑且相信你无意
但并不带表你没有
特地为了我下来做了那么多的事情
告诉我那么的多的事
其实事实上根本就不是
我曾经对你不公平
好，这次我想代你公平些
不约束自己
一切顺其自然
可结果是什么？

就一次就够了
我真的觉得我自己太笨了
为什么明明知道有这样的人出现
还相信。。。
在你不愿给我看电话那一刻
我是知道的
但是为什么我还那么的傻
就一句对不起
就一句我不值得让你难过
就挥去了一切

我宁愿你没下来
我宁愿没看见你
我宁愿事后知道你们幸福
而不是这样把我当作傻子来耍

不要告诉我你等了我一年
这一年，并不是我一个
这一年以来发生了那么多的事
我不怪谁，是我自己造成的

你如果说你找到了另一半
我再怎么不开心
我也祝福你们
因为我希望你可以找到一个比我更好的人

但是
你这样对我
口口声声说放不下我
口口声声说喜欢我
却已经和另一个人在一起告白了
你真的是把我当什么了？


我现在要以什么心态面对你？
我真的觉得自己笨到一个程度
明明知道是你把我隔起来不让电话响
我还不时地去找你和你聊天什么的
其实你根本就不把我放在心上了
是我自己硬顶上去找你的

你说你下来是为了要尝试我和她的差别
尝试？你把我当试验品吗？
怎么？
你说她没办法代替我
那如果她在你心中的分量是多过我
你不是在让我误会
不是在玩弄我的感情吗？

我告诉你
不要跟我说最爱的是我
不要跟我说你放不下我
就像他讲的
只有爱和不爱
没有最爱，没有排行榜


你说过我伤你伤得很重
这回你下手也不轻啊
天蝎座永远在最后一刻让对方来一下致命的一剑
博徐是一个
说到自己是多么的爱
说到自己的爱如何天高地重的
其实背后里已有别人了
然后说是我伤他在先的

天蝎座啊~
你们到底想把我怎样？
最了解我的是你们
而结果让我致命的也是你们

Never thought it can be hurt and dissapoinnted so much

I wish I never believe in Love and Promises

I'm a FOOL

Really never see it coming
I should have see it coming
Yet, I still believe
I'm so fucked up
I really never see if coming

Betray, I'm not sure this word suit the situation
But I can't any word better than this
Fucked
That's how to be felt when being betrayed

You know it's like "Fuck You" the only thing came through my mind
You don't come down here and tell people how much you love them
Yet you already have another person in your mind
Worst, she knew how you felt towards her
Fuck you
You don;t have the right to tell people that you love them
You don't

You don't come down here just to test people how much different between both of them
What? Like a product?
I am just such a Fool
Fuck it!
Screw you!
It's like.. I HATE YOU

GOD~!
I really have should seen it coming
I should have realized something
Yet I ignored it
I pretended as if like it doesn't matter
Great
FUCK YOU DUDE

I really thought I am good in protecting myself
But This,
Thanks you fucking dude
Thanks for making my life better

I'm totally a Fool
Guess, I shouldn't have trusted you at the first place
I shouldn't have felt anything towards you in the first place
I mean, if possible
Right now, I wish I never know you AT ALL

I am such a pathetic FOOL and ass Hole
I am so stupid that being fooled like this
FUCK FUCK FUCK
How can I be so stupid
And still thought there are something different
Guess guys are just the same
They make promises
They create hope
Yet they broke them all
Just like that

I'm crushed
I'm fucking damaged
And of course, I am the world stupid ass fool
I thought I settled all the messed
Yet, I just created new mess and still fucked in the old mess
I really am an ass hole
Pretending I am smart and strong
Ass hole

I wish, if possible I can just leave for UK
If possible, I really wish I never know all these people AT ALL
If possible, I really wish I've never open to anybody AT ALL
It's so fucked up

倔强的我

抱歉，我就是那么的倔强
自己明明不开心但是还是假装着自己没事
这些日子也都这样过来了
自己虽然一个人但还不是好端端的

基本上，这些日子是难过
但再怎么样日子还是得过

没有想依赖朋友的
每个人有每个人的生活
不会有人同情你
伤心难过也是自己的事
当你一个人在一旁难过的时候
不会有多少个人知道
以我的性格
我一个都没有
别人问我怎么了，还好吗？
我很开心的笑了
“我没事”

这句，“我没事” 封杀了多少的朋友前往
我什么都没说，我谁都没说
基本上，我根本不想说
就算我在人群中怎么洒脱，怎么笑
我都开心
起码，我还记得怎么笑
身边的人也不会因为我难过而难受和无奈
一个人难过就好不用全世界陪你的

在说，有多少个人明白？
就连连日陪着我的他都不明白
连疼惜我的哥哥和姐妹都不明白
偏偏在这个时候不了解
我谁都不想找
我什么都不想说
只想静静的
装着自己没事
告诉自己“我没事”

这就是倔强的我
我再怎么不舍我都不想低头
虽然大家都有错
但是问题在谁身上大家都知道
没有人袒护我
没有人明白我
既然如此
那就自己保护自己吧~
这些年还不是那么的过来了

其实，说真的别人保护还伤过保护人家
既然如此
那就好好的保护自己
自己的事自己来
无需希望别人
因为始终自己是不会伤害自己
还是自己是安全的

这些日子基本上因为某些因素让我根本不相信其实真的有个人会明白我谅解我
除了他
但是，他不属于我
他奈不了我
他已经无能为力了
他明白，他关心我
但是，并不是我想要的

自己一个人有些日子了
习惯了
心在难过也莫过如此
真的觉得自己越来越倔强了
不想再依赖
有一天，我也不会再依赖你
不会再为你难过
不会再为了你留下一滴眼泪
总有一天我会亲口向你说 “再见”

倔强的我开始学习保护自己
围墙也越来越稳固了
对不起了各位朋友
心里面暂时容不下任何的伤害
容不下任何的可能
我害怕了
是我懦弱了
我已经没办法跨过那一条线
我没办法
我，还是比较喜欢现在的我
不会受伤害

真正在乎你的人

真正在乎你的人
無論再忙、也會想盡辦法回覆你

真正在乎的人
無需你找、他也會自動地想起你

在乎不是嘴边挂着说的
是行动表达出来的
办不到就别说你在乎

One day

One day, I will find someone that appreciate me and need me as much as I needed him
It's just the matter of time

Dream

I used to have a dream
A dream with a special moments with a special one
Guess, this is where things got collapse

傻瓜

计算着为你流下了多少眼泪
就代表又对我的心 撒了 多少谎
但每次我都选择 选择相信
相信你是 爱我的

倔强的以为我真的能改变你
看你装无辜的眼神 我很窒息
难道你没有看见 看见我对你的好
还是你忘了 那些数不清的爱情轨迹

你说我傻 傻在爱上只懂爱自己的人
我说你傻 傻在爱她就固执的奋不顾身
你说我傻还在期待会有奇蹟出现