sorry that i loved you

sorry that i loved you

For all of the time that i tried for your smile

For making you thing that i was worth the while

So your love love love love love would be mine

For sending your flowers and holding your hand

That no one was there to take u stand

But then love love love made us blind

And I'm so sorry that I hurt you

Sorry that I fell through

Sorry i was falling in love with you

I'm sorry that it came true

But sorry dosent can turn back time

For all that i have done to you

I wish that i could make it right

So sorry that i loved you

Sorry that i needed you

Sorry that i held you tight

And I'm So sorry for

Making you love me and saying goodbye

For being the one that taught you how to cry

It was love love love and it passed us by

For given you every thing that you dreamed

For taking it back when i fled the scene

sorry love for wasting your time

And I'm so sorry that I hurt you

Sorry that I fell through

Sorry i was falling in love with you

I'm sorry that it came true

But sorry dosent can turn back time

For all that i have done to you

I wish that i could make it right

So sorry that i loved you

Sorry that i needed you

Sorry that i held you tight

And apology now after all of this time

Won't make my difference tonight

But I'm hoping I'm Sorry will open your mind

To love love love love in your life

Sorry that I hurt you

Sorry that I fell through

Sorry i was falling in love with you

I'm sorry that it came true

But sorry do can't turn back time

For all that i have done to you

I wish that i could make it right

Sorry That I hurt you

Sorry that I fell through

Sorry i was falling in love with you

I'm sorry that it came true

sorry dosent can turn back time

im So sorry that i loved you

I'm so sorry

Again, another year is going to pass. What had i done? I am glad I sort of fully utilized the time, yet there are still some regretfulness. All I want to say is I am so sorry.

One year gone, so does we. I keep a promise that is kinda tough for me. But, what is done is done. I just hope that everything is going to be fine as well as it should be.

sorry and

Happy New Year

proud (part 1)

suddenly i feel so proud with my photography.. hehe.. not bluffing..
but i did really have some talent in that.. hehe...
let me shows you guys some of them.. hehe..

never count on any guys!

either guys are ignorant , or they are just don't care..

they just don't know when to say something they don't.

sometime some little care..

sometime some little comfort will not kill anyone of you..

but you guys just simply do not care!!!

just speak out everything..

never count on guys..

this principles never wrong..

"never rely on anybody but yourself. yourself ONLY.. because everything in the world that will not hurt you is yourself"

it never going to leave me again..

great to have you back my friend..

i am mad and i curse

yes, you didn't hear wrong of anything.

i did curse, and i curse. YOU SON OF BITCH!! both of you!!

i don't care whose fault is that all I know I will not trust you anymore..

not her but YOU..

you cheat!!

you cheat..!! you asked her for movie.. to the movie that I want to watch..

and you lie..

you...

how dare you?!

if you like her so much why choose me at the first place?

if she is the one who let you care so much, just go..

i won't force you to stay..

go ahead..

beside, i don't want to stay anymore with this around..

you still care about her..

I don't want to hear any lies or lie to myself..

you make choices..

I am selfish..

is HER or ME..

if you not going to choose.. I will leave..

cause I am done with EVERYTHING!!!!

as for YOU (her)

I don't know what to say you..

whatever you are..

I don't care how pity you are..

you just leave HIM alone.

or i will find you myself

in person..

and i swear..

you are going to regret of knowing me..

You asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said nothing, when you turned around and a tear came down and I whispered to myself... everything is.

well.. it is pretty hard to say what is going on here.. it is a pretty long story..

sometimes it is hard for me to explain everything.. when i mention everything.. i meant everything.. sometime guys just have to be more sensitive.. but i know most of the time it is beyond their ability.. like they are some living things that do not understand..

somehow.. i feel the change.. i feel the tiredness.. i feel everything..

its changing and i began to realize it.. did you?

I don't know which I would rather believe... that you never did care or that you eventually stopped.

Sometime you asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said nothing, when you turned around and a tear came down and I whispered to myself... everything is.

everything is.. just that you do not realize it.. apparently you do not understand.. am i an idiot? or just waiting something miracle to happen?

well.. it is miracle.. means it is mostly toward the impossibility..

So hold my hand, just one more time, so I can remind myself why it is that I can't get over you.

let me remind myself why you are the chosen one..

let me remind myself why i love you..

let me remind myself why i used to rely on you..

at least let me recall why...

so that i would allow myself to love you again..

so that i have the strength to continue this..

sometime i cried.. not because i miss you.. or even wanted you.. but because i realized that i am going to be alright without you..

you seems to invisible to me.. or worst..

i just want the feeling back..

but i am so tired and feed up giving forgiveness and trust without somebody earning it..

maybe sometime you will never know what you have until you lost it.. and once you lose it.. you can never get it back.. yet.. you still haven't earn that..

that's why sometime i will just hold my head up high, blink away the tears and say good-bye.. letting it go.. because sometime i can't stand the pain and disappointed, maybe it is the time for my last tear to fall and smile again..

exam

Exam start today!

Microeconomic.. Well, I had already sort of worn out.. late sleep and sleepy and tired all the time.. I had once slept for 4 hours for my naps!! jezz.. I getting older now..

3 more days is my management exam.. i have 13 chapters to memorize.. I hope I will be alright that day since I took a very short time to memorize it.. so sad.. haiz..

Hopefully I can finished it.. haha..

Fantasy

you know.. girls have lots of fantasy in their own mind..
don't be surprise when they have like hundreds and thousand of fantasy or imaginary of things in their mind when things happen..

well, here the thing..
i have my own fantasy.. haha.. not surprise.. maybe is because of the recently "Cinderella" theme story make me feel like it will be nice if there is fantasy happen in our life..



my first current favorite stories is "Another Cinderella Stories" by Damon Santostefano and starring Selena Gomez. You know why this movie attracts me a lots?
well, they dance.. I wish I can dance.. or have somebody I love to dance with me..
and again.. that is the fantasy.. and is most probability won't happen to me cause he doesn't dance.. sad case.. T.T



second.. another stories is "starstruck" by Sterling Knight and Danielle Campbell.. The main character is singer.. and of course.. another fantasy is I wish somebody can sing for me.. or play music instrument for me.. of course.. again.. is somebody i love.. or feel good about.. at least..
Again.. not a single chance.. cause he don't sing.. T.T
but.. somehow it reminds me.. somebody didn't play something for me.. and it was amazing.. and.. hehe.. never mind.. keep that thinking for myself..

well.. i don't wish like i will be Cinderella or anything.. i just want to be simple girl.. but some how.. this simple girl turns out to be crazy sometime.. and the fantasy that she wish frankly not going to happen anyway.. cause he don't dance or sing.. and apparently I can't dance.. so sad.. now i regret for not learn to dance when i was small.. haiz..

Goodbye

Goodbye
By Air Supply
I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure i'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say goodbye

well, this is another my favorite songs.. yeah, i know, it is kinda outdated. But who cares?! as long it is a nice song then we should love it right?
this lyrics had edited a little for somebody special..
well, not that i going to say goodbye to him, but the lyrics, well, sort of suit me, how i feel right now. well, not exactly but nearly i think..
of course, i hope both of us will not have to use this "goodbye"
I think he is suffering right now and i don't know what can i do to help.
I am not her.
She is your perfect sister.. much more better than me..
I don't know how to cheer you up..
But i really hope that you are happy.. and so far i know you are not lonely..
You still have a lots of people are there for you..
stay happy alright?

so that is it

that's what you said:"i better stay out of that, is none of my business anymore"
hmm.. nice to hear, hurt to feel

well, it had been a long time that i can't really let go of this relationship
it makes both of us kinda suffer,don't we?
like i don't want to let you go and you struggle to stay for me
i don't know why i want you to stay
is like i feel lots safer when i know you were there for me
but is kinda selfish of course
it hurts you a lot when i turn out to neglecting you again and again
giving you hope and letting you down again and again

so that is it
you and me
well of course we were still friends
the relationship among us all this time is not just simply friends
is sort of unknown and complicated
by me..
all me..
my fault again.. no doubt..

well, here's the song .. the first song that we finally get into the same "agreement" that you don't think that i am "old-fashion" or "outdated"
i still remember that moment
finally no criticism
and i am happy to be somebody that able to suit you somehow
i feel spark of glad deep down inside
i want to be your perfect person
but apparently i am not
so
here the song that i will always remember

and the guitar
i will never forget that there is somebody had ever loved me so much before
and i hurt him deep down inside his hurt
cause i never say
"i love you " "i miss you"

deep down.. i will always miss you dummy..
friends forever!! love you.. ^^

Love the way you lie
by: Rhianna
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that¡¯s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that¡¯s alright because I love the way you lie,love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I can¡¯t tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it¡¯s a still night in my wind pipe
I can¡¯t breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it¡¯s like I¡¯m in flight
High off the law, drunk from my hate,
It¡¯s like I¡¯m huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I¡¯m about to drown, she resuscitates me
She fucking hates me and I love it.
Wait! Where you going? I¡¯m leaving you
No you ain¡¯t. Come back we¡¯re running right back.
Here we go again
It¡¯s so insane cus when its going good its going great.
I¡¯m superman with the wind at his back
Shes Louis Lane but when its bad its awful, I feel so ashamed I snap
Whos that dude? I don¡¯t even know his name
I laid hands on him, I¡¯ll never stoop so low again
I guess I don¡¯t know my own strength
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that¡¯s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that¡¯s alright because I love the way you lie, love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you¡¯re with me
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit me
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah, them those chills you used to get me
Now you¡¯re getting fucking sick of looking at him
You swore you¡¯d never hit him; never do nothing to hurt him
Now you¡¯re in each other¡¯s face spewing venom in your words when you spit them
You push pull each other¡¯s hair, scratch claw hit him
Throw him down pin him
So lost in the moments when you¡¯re in them
It¡¯s a race that¡¯s the culprit controls your boat
So they say you¡¯re best to go your separate ways
Guess if they don¡¯t know you cus today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over it¡¯s a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her
Next time you show restraint
You don¡¯t get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
I guess that¡¯s why they call it window pane
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that¡¯s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that¡¯s alright because I love the way you lie,love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Now I know he said things hit things that we didn¡¯t mean
And we fall back into the same patterns same routine
But your temper¡¯s just as bad as mine is
You¡¯re the same as me
But when it comes to love you¡¯re just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn¡¯t you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship wasn¡¯t as crazy as it seemed
Maybe that¡¯s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don¡¯t you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
I told you this is my fault
Look me in the eye ball
Next time I¡¯m pissed, I lay my fist at the drywall Next time.
There won¡¯t be no next time
I apologize even though I know its lies
I¡¯m tired of the games I just want her back
I know I¡¯m a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
Im¡¯a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that¡¯s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that¡¯s alright because I love the way you lie,love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

What You Mean to Me

What You Mean To Me
Album : StarStruck
Singer : Sterling Knight

Can't blame you, for thinking
That you never really knew me at all
I tried to, deny you
But nothing ever made me feel so wrong
I thought I was protecting you
From everything that I go through
But I know that we got lost along the way
Here I am, with all my heart
I hope you understand
I know I let you down
But I'm never gonna make
That mistake again
You brought me closer
To who I really am
Come take my hand
I want the world to see
What you mean to me
What you mean to me
Just know that, I'm sorry
I never wanted to make you feel so small
A story is, just beginning
We'll let the truth break down these walls
Oh, yeah, yeah
And every time I think of you
I think of how you pushed me through
And showed me how much better I could be
Here I am, with all my heart
I hope you understand
I know I let you down
But I'm never gonna make
That mistake again
You brought me closer
To who I really am
Come take my hand
I want the world to see
What you mean to me
Yeah, yeah

You make me feel like I'm myself
Instead of being someone else
I wanna live that everyday
You say what no one else will say
You know exactly how to get to me
You know it's what I need
It's what I need
Yeah
Here I am, with all my heart
I hope you understand(I hope you understand)
I know I let you down
But I'm never gonna make
That mistake again
You brought me closer
To who I really am
So, come take my hand
I want the world to see
What you mean to me
What you mean to me


another nice song.. i love it a lot ..

i have some problems again lately.. haiz.. i really don't know how to solve it .. cause i don't know what is the problem.. me?
there is some questions that make me almost helpless..
"what do him meant to you?"
"why can't you just let him go?"
"why did you care so much for him?"
well, i don't know what is the real answer.. sorry.. i can't give you a real answer.. is that because of guilt? or what?
sorry for being such a bad person to anyone of you for all these time.. i didn't meant to be one.. i tried but it never seems to work either way..

what you mean to me? i don't know.. i hope i can find a reason soon enough..

i want you to be happy

no matter what i do, i never did anything right, this is the fact. i really suck at this and i have to say I'm sorry
but whatever it is, i want you to be happy, if can, i want you to be happy forever and ever. that's what i want.
i might be selfish but for this wish and hope, i never give up before for you.
just for you because you are special in some ways
be happy and stay happy no matter what

new world

i have totally no comment and not going to comment any of these things because i really getting more and more feed up with it.. whatever.. i am just going to pretend that i'm not care with everything.. i just going to be blind.. that's all.. it wasn't that hard anyway to be blind and heartless sometime.. its pretty good to our health.. haha.. i'm glad i realize these theory.. haha.. welcome to another new world.. good luck ^^

unfair

i really don't understand
is me the one who difficult to understand or
is nobody really good enough to know about me?!
why did i have to explain everything even some of them is really damm common sense?!

whenever there are problem why always me the one who have to solve the problem?
and what did i get in return?!
why you guys have problems and you guys can ask help from me while i can't ask anything from you guys?!
FXXXXXX AXX HXXX!!!!

i really don't know whether is me an idiot or
i am TOOOOOOOOO damm kind to anyone of you

i really don't know what should i be
a demon?
an evil?
a devil?
a good guy?
an angel?
what you guys want from me?!
i am a human if you really notice that
i have feelings and temper
argh~~ why is it so hard to let you understand me?!!!!!

when i need somebody or anybody beside me
just quietly beside me
accompany me
stop asking lots of question towards me
there is nobody ~
when i need somebody to help me
another problems came in
when i need somebody
where are they ?!

it is so unfair!!!
i just want somebody to be with me
is that that hard?
i want somebody who really understand me
knows when i need them even i say no
i need somebody who accompany me when i need them
is there any?

life is just unfair~~~

Distance

keep thing inside our heart
remain silent about everything to ourselves
yet take good care of each other no matter what
that is the distance between us

i don't know is it my fault or what
but i know the difference among both of us
whatever it is i don't know what should do

is this distance is going to be closer?
or the distance is getting further?
i'm tired and i'm afraid

is there going to be a bridge between the distance?
or there will be another barrier between us?
i'm helpless

confession

these days is really busy where most of us is busy with academic, event, business and what so ever thing they are on to.. and due to these reason, nobody have time to care something little.. and i have to admit that I can't blame you guys because I am not anybody to you guys.. but at least.. AT LEAST.. please lent a hand to make thing better..

I going to make a confession here
Yes, I did bring somebody that you guys don't like
Yes, I don't like the way you guys living
Yes, I still have a little unhappy after that time
Yes, I don't like being dirty in my accommodation
Yes, I am not a good housemate or roommate
Yes, I am not a friendly person to you all

and here I am, mad and frustration with all the things going on now!
I mad with you guys for being lazy
I mad with you guys for being selfish
"selfish" in the sense that you guys do whatever you want but the mess will be cleaned up by others
I am mad I admit that!

Once in a while can't you guys just be a responsible person?!
I didn't ask for being 100% or 5-star-hotel cleanliness but at least have some condition where we can say that is a place where it is nice to live on
I don't know why is everybody rushing to the washroom while they already have theirs
well, that is not i mad of..
if you guys want to use the washroom, can't you guys at least make sure it is clean?!
GOD DAMM IT!!!!
you use the washroom and didn't flush it?! I don't want to care who is the person who did it but at least for god sake, isn't it a common sense for you guys?!
common sense that you have to flush it after you done your business?!
I didn't mention it to you guys because i thought maybe you forget or what.. but after so many times.. are you still forgetting these normal thing?!
I didn't or espect any of you to clean the washroom which you guys didn't!! but at least AT LEAST make sure it is clean!!! you guys bath and make the floor slippery and all those hair and those smelly thing.. damm it!!
there is no maid in the house and nobody is going to care because everybody doesn't care.. but the smell is getting to my room and it is disgusting..
i used to clean them once a week since nobody care but now i have to clean it twice a day!!
you guys think that you don't care and you can use it but i am the one who clean it!! you guys can say that you busy then is that i am FREE?!

since i am the bad guy, i don't mind being a bad guy for another 1 month!!
once in a while can't you guys use your INTELLIGENT mind to think that
"there is the need to clean the place after you cook thing?"
"there is the need to put thing back nicely and clean after you used people thing?"
"there is the need to clean the mess up after you accidentally split anything on the floor or the table?"
didn't you?!
you guys have your breakfast but the milo powder split out and nobody care to clean it..
you guys have your lunch or dinner, making all the mess and oily environment then enjoy your meal while thing putting there days after days?!
you guys have the rules that you guys want to put the rubbish separately to avoid the insect.. but didn't you guys think of the reason?! is us who lazy to throw the rubbish!! you guys throw everything until it coming out and nobody cares!! even the plastic bag is overwhelmed!! you guys have the rules and paper to drop down the date to throw the rubbish.. and i didn't write any because i know deeply in my heart who throw it.. when the rubbish is overwhelmed nobody care, while you guys busy nobody care, when you guys lazy you don't care.. when did you guys care?!

i am mad and i am really not going to care anymore..
there are lots lots of thing that i want to say but i remain silent but it doesn't meant that i don't care!!!!!!
god damm hell!!!
these are the confession that i made for NOW!!!

sudden tear

sudden tear running down without any permission
is the heart hurt by him? yeah
is the heart broken by him? no YET
i admit that he can make my heart hurt is because i love him and i care too much of his opinion
but suddenly i miss you
i know i should pay more attention on the exam but i miss you with a sudden
however i just can't tell you
you won't be able to appear in front of me just like you promise
well it is not your fault is mine
is me who do not have the courage to ask anything else from you anymore
i asked too much which i never deserve it
but i miss you that you always honest to me but never once hurt me that much
i did contact you sometime but i never get the response i want
well that is expected but sometime is that the hope keeps me alive even it is hurt sometime
sometime i don't want to find you as i know i shouldn't but whenever i come to trouble beside him i might sometime think of you
sometime i know that you will have the way to tell me what to do
the only different is you and me is not as good as last time and i shouldn't like that
whenever i have trouble with you i always hope that you will be around but i know i can't so do you
i miss you as a brother and i don't know why i have the sudden urge to contact you
maybe i just get slightly upset well it is not as slightly as i said by many thing
exam tonight.. busy whole week until next week.. good luck !!!!!!!!!!

another hell of the day

it is just the beginning of the 3rd trimester but it is starting to killing me now.. these few days is totally tiring even it is just the beginning of the 2nd week..
Imagine that Monday and Wednesday class is from 8 or 9am until 5 or 6pm.. what is more tired is that the only relaxing day which is Tuesday i have discussion until 4 or 5pm even there is only 1 hour class that day.. and everyday i have to walk back home tiredly with my heavy books or laptop.. all of these starts to drive my nerves on now..

i have a good group this semester.. well at least it is compared to last time.. yet there is still a lots of thing to do which is nearly killing me.. is like everyday i have a new task to complete..and somehow i did delay something cause i really don't have the energy to do it either mentally or physically.. i am a human.. i can't bare everything in my mind and do it myself.. don't always think that i am a god or something like that.. i am not GOOD!!

finally i broke down yesterday.. 9am to 5pm in school working and working.. after one hour class i have presentation to complete.. after that i have chess duty which i have to play chess with the participants which ALSO killing most of my brain cell either.. next will be the most tiring thing which is Business Management Project discussion.. i have to say that i am so sorry about that that i did rejected most of the idea.. and maybe in a quite rude ways.. i am so sorry..

after all these discussion i already in the middle of the death where i have to walk back home under the hot sun.. when i reached home, i have script to tidy, i have presentation to prepare, i have report to write, i have computer assignment to do and many more.. while most of them hanging out in jusco yesterday.. haiz.. and now they send me all the presentation thing to me! why is it everything has to be me?! there is 6 people in the group, is i am the only person that alive in that group?! what sort ever...

i was totally tired and i fall asleep during my suppose-to-be-half-an-hour-nap but i end up sleeping 2 hours.. i was so tired until 3 alarms can't wake me up!! after i woke up.. i was like i gain thousand and hundreds kilogram in that nap.. i can't do anything.. and with frustration, i give up everything and went to sleep at 9pm.. and surprisingly i wake around 7am this morning.. and i didn't wake up during that time.. i think i really am tired..

i just hope everything can finish quickly so i won't be that tired though..
anyway.. Happy Chinese New Year~

Why is it so hard to get some understanding?

tomorrow will be the fighting day, which is my English examination. That is why i choose to express my feeling through English rather than Chinese. Whatever it is, tomorrow will be the worst war ever in MMU so far. None of the subject has really drive me this crazy before. I know i wasn't really work hard for this semester and i deeply stressed to myself that there will be no more fooling around next semester which i am going to concentrate on my studies rather than anything. I have learn my lesson and now I have to pay for it.

Why is it has to be so hard to get some understanding from others? well i have to admit that i am a little bit pushy whenever comes to the academic thing. Regardless to this, you can't really blame me because gone are the days when i was a high scorer in anything. Well, i already pulled down my standard where i no longer heading towards the highest and the best, but i just don't want to get behind that much, don't you get it? why can't you guys understand why am i so stress and tension when it comes to this matter? is that so hard to attain your understanding? all you guys think is that i am so hardworking and i can do it. Some of them even worst where they think i was just bluffing. haiz.. since when they realized that i am not that good as they imagined me in their mind?

examination and studies is vital to me and i admit that i lost the track for almost 3 months. But now I'm back where i am going to start working on and no more fooling around. If you notice that, i spend numerous time for fun rather than studies. Gone are the days when i was always study, study and study. All the stress is going to be a standstill right after that examination.

i have made my mind that i won't burnt my finger again this semester where I am going to work really hard and try to hit my target once and for all. saves all the regret and start working!! one goal, one spirit, one determination!!! lazy bone already become a thing of the past where i can't change. Yet, i will work hard to get what I want.

sorrow and stress

sorrow and hurt that you never going to imagine of..
hate and irritates that you never going to think of..
disappointment and disagreement that you never going to go through of..

you guys just never know that you guys never going to deserve any forgiveness from me.. anyone of you especially.. whatever.. i am not going to mention your name here.. you guys never ever.. i swear to God..

you guys don't know how it feels like to be betrayed..
you guys don't know how it looks like to be disappointed...
you guys don't know how it feels like to be rejected..
again and again..
AGAIN AND AGAIN...

you guys never know how it feels that i have to keep on reminding myself not to put any hope on it anymore so that i won't get hurt again and again..
did you guys ever never dare to wish or think or just a short while of "maybe" just because you don't want yourself to get disappointed again?

like i said.. you guys never.. because you guys are such a innocent and naive..
you guys just never know..

you guys think that i won't have the right to be mad? to be irritating?
well, you guys are wrong.. totally WRONG!!! i just don't want to think about it because i just don't want to ruin our friendship.. but you are ruin mine.. ruin anything about my hope which you guys think it is NOTHING..!!!

i hate you guys...!!! i hate you all!!!! thanks for being the first person that i shout out loud that i hate you all!!! you guys should be proud of yourself!!!!!

i wasn't really into anything these days.. except my studies..
my book..
they never betrayed me..
they never hurt me..
they never let me down..
they never put me aside..
they never do anything to harm me..
not like anyone of you..

i really worn out these days.. stress.. tired.. sad.. i really think that maybe i should just go for a rest and never wake up for one day.. but i couldn't because my beloved book is waiting for me to read them.. all the happiness i gain now is from my books..

get me out of here and i want my home.. i want to go back home..
i want to go back home where they is always warm around me..
dad's, mum's and sis's..
it wasn't a happy thing to go back home but at least it is much warmer compared here..
i wasn't going to have a warm hug from my parents or my sister..
at least i won't get hurt deeply in my heart..
at least i won't tear about something stupid every night..
at least i won't have to so scare of hoping anything..
at least i won't have to hate anyone..
at least i am save there in my home..
i am save with the warm shell my parents made for me..
i am secured..
even i have to be tough in front of my parents but..
at least i can hide behind them whenever anything happen..
at least i can save all the sorrow and stress for a moment..
at least i am protected..

dad mention before:"after you go out one day, out alone by yourself without us beside you, you will know the happiness you gain from family is always the warmest and the best because we will always there for you"
daddy~ i miss you.. T.T

let all of these past and end.. i just wanna go home..