superwoman

Did anybody ever ever dream herself to become a superwoman before? or a superman for a guy? believe me or not.. i did wish that i am a superwoman sometimes.. well.. not really the superwoman superman type but is just that she can do whatever thing she want without tired..

Seriously.. i really don't have the strength to do anything i want in my life.. what i want.. what i care.. what i worry.. everything is so tired to maintain or have it.. you asking this from me and i promise you.. but see what i have done? i end up working for nothing.. haiz.. my parents asking me to take care myself and what did i done? staying late up at night eating junk food and so on.. and what i get now? a sick body.. cough sore throat fever sometime geriatrics?! that's not they want from me.. and that is not what i asking for either.. i really hate being sick.. it makes me feel not well still i have to be tough so that people around me won't worry about me.. haiz.. to be honest.. it not really a tough job to do since i have done it don't know how many years ago.. yet.. it still really tired to pretend..
this morning i woke up.. i feel like hell.. damm hell.. tiredness.. sore throat.. hoarse sound.. coughing non-stop... painful and yet tired.. completely disastrous.. i think i nearly cry just now.. but.. i din't of course.. it not that easy to cry actually cause it haven't touch my limits.. however.. it still like hell which i seriously don't like it.. haiz..

promises.. what about it.. that's why people say don't make promises when you can't keep it.. haiz.. i make lots of promises which i know i can do it if the situation haven't change.. but.. the fact is i break it.. haiz.. i really try hard but it never works.. what i did it wasn't enough for you.. cause it never looks like the past.. haiz.. i really am sorry.. i sorry i broke my promises and i suck just like i know by my own.. keep hurting people all the time..

Assignment assignment.. it actually bursting my time into a big boom here.. most of my time are filled with assignment, outline, essay, study notes, reading.. i don't even have the time to online.. somehow i know that you think that that is just excuses.. i really don't know how to tell you all these things.. i really don't know.. my time is packed and i sorry that i left you behind.. but i really helpless with all these things.. i am not as good as i think.. i can't finish these everything in one shot.. i wonder why you don't believe me.. haiz.. i really breathless and helpless here.. sometime i wish that i will just abandons all these jobs and run away.. sometime.. i know i enjoy escaping because the problems are temperance gone but it still there and i still have to face it.. however, i can't.. i don't have the guts or the responsiveness to do that.. cause that's the responsible i should take and that's what people count on me and i shouldn't let them down.. yet.. what do you feel if people letting you down? trust me.. i experience it.. not really a pleasant feeling when you still have to pretend that it is nothing while it is something there right in your heart that nearly shouted:" you know what, I DO REALLY CARE!!"

yesterday, another fight in my house.. haiz.. not really a fight among them.. but is among my sister and my mother or my father and it somehow related to my illness.. haiz.. why did they have to take so seriously with our words?! just a single damm word can be argued for so many hours calling here and there?!!! are they too free to do anything?! why can't they just stop worrying?!! i nearly kill me.. i think it is killing me right know.. it was like i in the middle of the hall, shout through my lungs and nobody even care to listen to me.. all they care is my result, my studies, my future love life ( ask me to be careful when choosing ), my health, my behavior, my attitude and everything.. but it is so weird that they don't even think about MY FEELING!! this words never exist in their mind or dictionary!!!!!! NEVER AND EVER!! whatever.. just be tough and solve everything when everybody in this world knows that it never going to be solved.. just get used to it.. two nuclear boom in the house one crazy and naughty guns in USM.. what can i do? i am not good enough to hold them and not get killed by them.. whenever i touch them.. there still an explosion that will end up hurting me.. even my own protection never enough to protect myself.. even it is enough.. deeply in my heart where nobody can see is bleeding and somehow i know one day i will end up losing too much blood for that..