Afraid

After this, I think I am afraid
Afraid of believing
Afraid of people

Guess this time is my fault
Just like what they said
I get myself into this hot soup
And I am the only person who get myself into this
I don't deny
I don't want to deny

No matter how the truth is
I know what happen
I know what I did
I know what I did is wrong
And I deserve it

Currently, and technically
I'm damn
I'm afraid
I lost the center of mind
I lost my confidence
I lost my believe
I lost my faith
I lost everything
Almost everything
Besides my friends
They try to get me back into pieces
I know they are trying very hard
I mean VERY VERY hard

It's like they are having a patrol so that I won't be alone
So that I am taken care of
So that I have someone
Protect me as much as possible

James said that I lost all the energy and faith
Looking into my eyes
He can't see any sparks and faith
The only thing he felt is I am "flying"

Jack said that I am the person without soul
I lost confidence
I don't talk
I don't eat
I don't sleep
I don't drink
Technically I don't do anything
I'm just a person without soul

Sin Yong said that I am too decadence
She said everyone can be like this when they break down
BUT never
Never like this
She said even decadence also need to have certain limits
But not like this
I am way too much over the normal limits
As if I wishes that I've never live
Honestly, I thought of it that why should I ever exist
There are some slight thought that why not just end it right here right now and redeem my punishment
But after like few second
I knew I wouldn't do it

So whatever it is
I am too deprave until I even notice about it
Until everyone is worried
I mean worry sick
I shiver when I'm alone cause I'm scare
I don't talk to people cause I'm afraid
For god sake
I'm seriously mentally damn

But as I said
GOD has plan for me
HE let him come down like this
Make me been through this hell
And HE still treating me nice by letting me home at the very first right moment
Even though it doesn't help much but it will help

Thanks to Justin and Jack
I mean without them
I'm gone
Like gone, gone
I think without them
What my parents see me today is not their daughter
By that time
I am not hurting myself but them
Even things doesn't get well easily but at least I have someone around
I have Sin Yong, Justin, Jack, James, Juin How
Everyone
Everyone is worried about me

I lost my confidence
I lost my faith in loving people
I lost my truth in believing people
I lost my haughtiness of my ability
I lost my leadership
I lost everything
And I know I need to get back together
And gather them all back
When I back
I will be tougher
I will be stronger
Next time, I will be able to protect myself better
Next time, there won't be a next time

I promised him I will try to make myself better within that period of time
I promised him I will try to be stronger
I promised him I will do what he said
I promised lots of friends
I promised Everyone

I'll try to be strong even I'm not
This time when I get home
It recall how tough I am when I gone through the darkest day in my life
This is my second
And I knew how to go through them
I've been through once, I know I will been through it again for the second time
I know how to protect myself
I know how to be strong
I know how
I just forgotten
I think that's the window GOD given to me
HE gave me hope
Hopes that given from my friends

No matter how much I'm afraid
Even it will take a long time
But next time when I see him
I know I'll be stronger