Forgive Me

Sorry that I lied

Please forgive me

I tried to be tough

I want to keep to myself 

Nobody can save me from this 

I chosen this

Knew

You know exactly where and when to show yourself
It seems like you knew something wrong with me
You tried to call me several times
I didn't pick up
Sorry

I lied
I am so sorry

Envy

I guess I am really envy when I saw it
I mean I am not envy cause he said that to her
Well, she is his girlfriend
It is nothing to envy of
Well, I am envy of her cause she got such boyfriend
So don't misunderstand me

He wished her Happy Anniversary
Honestly, it's really romantic and sweet
Not that I am unhappy
I am happy to them
Just that, I guess, I never been treated like that before
Well, you know....

The way he looked at her
The way he treated her
The way he protected her
I guess I am really really envy of her
She is lucky

Sometime I told myself that I am contented
But I really can't help myself

He told me about 18++ stuff
Honestly, it's not about my problem
Well, maybe partly is mine
But, it's just different for him and HIM

He never understand what I meant for the whole conversation
I mean, he understand
Just that he don't get the real reason of it

He knew the truth of all the lies
I guess he trying to make me feel better and awake of the facts
But I guess I am just too stubborn
I prefer what I am doing right now

I didn't write blogs or journals like for quiet some times
Cause I don't want people to bug me like
"What happen?", "What again?", "Now what?"

I feel save to be alone
I feel save to keep everything inside
At least I don't have to explain everything to anyone
I don't have to be response to anyone

Crying for 2 days is not nothing
It's something
Just, I really don't want to talk about it
Guess, my logic thinking is too strong
Cause I really like my world
I prefer my own dream world

Yes, I am envy
But I am contented
I mean, I can't wish more am I?
Then I will be a greedy person
Plus, it is too much for asking it
It's just a two different person

What can I ask more since I myself is a burden?
Well, nothing

Content is the word to ease my enviousness

Out of Sudden

Suddenly, I thought of Genting Trip with him
I wonder why
I felt like I missed it a lot
It is weird that this feeling just came to the thoughts during my studies

Guess it is 16th December 2012 until 17th December 2012
This is the first time both of us travel alone
Not with friends, not with clubs, not with family
But just two of us

It is one of my 21st birthday present
As I had been like so many years not going there
He tried to fulfil my wish on my 21st birthday

I was super excited yet stressful
The next week is the continuous 3 midterm papers
Honestly, I have the urge to cancel the trip
But I don't feel like missing the chance
So I almost finish all subjects before I went there
I promised myself that I am going to score this semester
So, to gain, you have to sacrifice

We took bus in the morning to Genting
2 luggage and 3 handbags
Almost 3 hours journey
Due to the reason of keep studying the days before the trip
I slept most of the time
But the only thing that worries me is I can't sleep on the "mountain" journey
Worst, I didn't bring any plastic bags
Seriously, I am worried I will throw up
Thank god, I didn't!
Not feeling comfortable but still manageable

The weather was super duper cold when we reached
We wondered around for like almost 1 hour to check-in
It was almost 2pm when we ate our lunch at Mary Brown
I chosen the best choice that he can be full and the cheapest combination
Told you I am a smart accountant

Lining up to buy tickets
We decided to buy the express ticket which cost more expensive
Yet, it was worth
We were treating like VIP
But everyone was envy and hate us when they saw us just walk in and take their queue

First one, the Pirate Ship
This time, I didn't choose the middle
We sat at almost the end
Honestly, my tears are out
He was laughing me and wonder why I was looking down all the time
Honestly, I am scared
I don't really like this kind of excitement
I used to ride these cause of my sister

Next one is the roller coaster
First time to ride roller coaster in Genting
Cause last time I wasn't tall and old enough to ride it
Again, CUT QUEUE!
And you know what's funny?
When I was heading to a seat while the normal ticket is choosing the same one
The people in charge stop the person and ask us to take the seat
Yeah, we are the VVIP
The girl  glare at me
But, it is really not my fault

Then we were riding lot of games
Taking hot stuff during the rain
Getting lost in the play ground
And so on
Our whole day ride ends on 6pm
The only regret is, I didn't able to ride on the Dragon Ride which I love the most when I was child

Went back room and rest
And headed for Dinner
Then shopping
Then back to room again

We drank some wine and watched the movie named "The Christmas Kiss"
After that, we slept as we were so tired
Even though I wasn't feeling well and scared of being alone at night
I still slept eventually

The other morning woke up with "heart pain"
Then when we went shopping and wondering around again and again
Then we went to Casino
Not much interesting story there
We lost RM40
And learned about the bad of gamble
hahahahahaha

Until 4pm bus
We ride back to Melaka

The whole journey is sweet and relax and lovely
Wish to go there again
BUT
Due to health problem
I doesn't feel like going there anymore

Worry

Frankly speaking,
There is 3 things in my mind that I am super duper worry
1. midterms, Can I finish revising?
2. my health, What the hell is wrong with my asthma or heart?
3. my birthday, worry that he will overspent the money

No Forces

It's like kinda pressure to have my own birthday celebration 

Well, honestly, just forget about it

Really no forces 

I mean, I just want to get that opportunity to have fun 

So, don't have to like force or what 

Seriously, it's just a birthday 

Just a normal dinner will do 

Maybe no dinner and straight to Mixx also nevermind 

It's cool 

Really don't have to do like I have to have people to celebrate with me 

Since I know it's a peak season that time 

So, really 

No force

No pressure 

^^

Recall

Looked back my 20th birthday
Honestly, that night was really really one of the greatest night ever
Except a small moment of that
I was like the happiest girl in the world

I guess that time I did look thin and nice

Making wish and I love the cake very much

3 sistas that celebrate with me

My true blood sister

My 38 sista that crazy together, love her much!! 

My gor gor that did a lot of crazy things together with me

My beloved darling, doesn't we look cute together?

With everyone with me 

Receiving presents 

Receiving wishes from everyone 

Doing things that I loved so much 

Everyone is loving me 

Seriously, I am the most happiest girl in the world

Suddenly

I kinda looking forward for my 21st birthday 

Even though I didn't really have any vision on it 

Maybe I am afraid of dissapointment 

Or maybe I didn't dare to wish more than it 

I guess I am happy 

I will be happy on my birthday 

Cause everyone love me so much! 

Rain Walk

After everything happened
I really really have no mood
But still I need to go to STAD for prom night matters

Kak Nita want me to redo the letter
I wish that I able to finish up the letter today as tonight there is a meeting with others
I need a computer and printed on the spot

He suggested to Miss Lim's room
But she wasn't there
Then he suggested Mr. Liew's room
Honestly, that wasn't a very good idea
Really wasn't a good idea

I pretend that I finished everything and left
Then I headed to FBL LAB
Guess what?
He claimed that the line sucks
Then I think God like to make joke on me
After everything is done
And when I wanted to save the document
The Fucking computer restart
And guess what?
EVERYTHING IS GONE
I MEAN GONE
FUCK MMU !

And guess what happened?
He was being very frustrated and asked me to go home and do
4.30pm is late
Well, I really wanted to finish it
Then I asked him go back first since he didn't want to be there at the first place
He thinks that being there is bored and fucked up
Guess what?!
He really left
ha Ha HA
Tell me that he must be joking

After 5 mins the lab was closed
He left
And I walked home
I can't figure out why our relationship can become like that
I mean he used to do things with me no matter what I did
He used to be with me no matter what I want to go or do
NoW?

He said that its my problem
My temper problem makes him don't like to be around with me
So now it is my problem
I mean, am I really wasn't that good?

I read some articles mention about how both guy and girl fall in love
Where both of them will willing to do anything for each other
I felt tired cause I don't feel that he willing to do anything
I mean, he did it by force
Not because that he feels that he wanted to do

Is it my problem?
What should I change?
Tell me GOD
Please tell me where did I did wrong?!

Walking around under the rain
Feeling weird is the rain never hit me
Is this a comfort from GOD ?

I know I wasn't pray that much lately
I know I don't believe in GOD as much as I do last time
Is this the reason I being punished?

I know I scold people a lot
I know I complaint a lot
I know
Is this the reason I being punisheD?

Somebody tell me?

iPad Lost

ipad lost today
On the way back from Kluang to Melaka
Seriously, I never thought that it can just lost like that
I mean, I always remember it

I saw him holding it during the sleep
When I asked him to put in the jacket
I assume him already put it into the bag
I mean, he was holding
How the hell on earth can he didn't notice that?

When he came down from bus
His hand is empty
Yet he was the last person to get down
Logically, nobody will take the ipad
If it lost, it means the driver took it

When he told me that he didn't take the ipad
He assume it was with me
Honestly, I knew it was gone
But I still want to believe that it still hope

Yet, I can't able to get to the station on the spot cause I with his adopted parents
I wasn't really in mood

Yes, I wasn't in mood cause I am really really really never thought this can happen
I never thought something so expensive ever lost
I know it wasn't mine
I didn't pay a penny but it is something that shouldn't happen

Yet, the person who pay the money seems like nothing happen
That's why I cried
I mean, what is this?

He told me that, assume this is a lesson
A lesson
A lesson that I kept on reminding and reminding again and again
You will need to pay RM2000 to learn such lesson?!
And then I am the one who being a bad guy
To be emotion
To be unhappy
To be frustrated?!

I mean the fucking ipad cost over RM2000 and you assume it to be NOTHING?!
And yet I got an advice of
"It's RM2000, take it as lesson, maybe in the future you lost something more expensive like RM10,000"
Seriously, it that thing cost RM10,000 it will be stolen not lost

I didn't want to blame him as its his fault
But
But
He is like acting nothing happen
And he blame that its the medicine fault
The medicine that make him blurry
I mean, seriously?
Is it medicine problem or his problem?

GOD
Please give me the strength to face what is happening
Please give me the patient to deal with that is going on
Please give me the kindness to forgive
Please

I wish that I have that kind of kindness to forgive a lesson of RM2000
and forgive a person who blame medicine
and assume nothing happen as RM2000 is gone

不想理会的原因

不想理会的原因
1，“合同”
2，时常发脾气的我

看来是我的错
是我做的不够好
是我应该忍耐
是我应该把脾气收敛好

有没有人会设计一个人脑电子版？
请你安置在我的脑力
然后重新设置一个全新的我
好让我变成他的理想情人
温柔体贴
脾气温顺
魔鬼身材
时尚打扮
进得厨房出得厅堂
完美的女人

让他的个人世界
让他的内心世界没有怨言，没有无奈，没有无助
让他的生活圈子没有丢脸和带不出门的女人
为他的生活充满了乐趣，开心
而不是烦恼，懊恼

我的错
是我的不好
原来我不让你理会的原因
到头来是我自找的

First Time

I guess everyone has his or her first time
Well, I have mine
And what is the first time?

First time having facial treatment
Seriously, it WAS FUCKING PAINFUL 
Honestly, she was shocked when she know I have totally no clean and clear products
And she was surprise of me having no make up product as well ]
And a lot of stuff that surprise her
She was telling me I am the one of the limited kind of girl left in this world
Sorry to say, maybe I am

The lady was helping me to clean up the face stuff
The "black spot" and some of the pimples
Then I got a "special case" where really really am painful
Yet, it's not as much painful when she is "treating" my nose pimples cause I didn't "clean" it well
I tears up
Cause it was FUCKING PAINFUL

Seriously I learned my lesson
Starting from now I really need to protect my skin
It's not about what
It's because I don't want, I swear to GOD I really don't want to get through the treatment AGAIN!

First time facial treatment and first time mask user!
Really that kind of mask with treatment not the kind of paper stuff
Of course I slept during that time
Cause there is really nothing to do

OK
I getting more and more lady now
As she said, I can't be 18 forever
Fine fine fine
I started to cure my hair last month
This month started with with my skin
And seriously, for god sake, it is really expensive!!!
ThiNK about it again and again!!!
MONEY MONEY MONEY
TIME TIME TIME
PATIENT PATIENT PATIENT
All that I don't have!
Congratuation girl!
GOOD LUCK!

Overwhelm Flatter

I got a Facebook Message last night
I was sleeping like shit and didn't notice about it until this morning

Hi Teng Ang
I'm Helen
Nice to meet you
I'm a make up teacher. Currently I'm looking girls to be mine make up model for my before and after make up photo shooting album collection event. You look pretty in your photos and I found you are suitable and meeting mine requirements. Are you interested to be my make up model? Please feel free to reply if you were interested.
cheers
Helen

SERIOUSLY?!
I am so dead
I mean people said I look nice in the picture
SHIT SHIT SHIT
Profile picture is angel shooting
Of course it looks nice!
It's like the best of the most picture only people use it for profile picture

SHOT SHOT SHOT
I am SO DEAD!
So, here goes my reply:


Hi, Sorry for late reply last night.
Well, I was really overwhelmed by this unexpected favour that you asked for. I kinda afraid that I can't really helped you much as I don't really know how to make up and stuff.. Plus, I doesn't look that nice as shown in the picture, kinda afraid that you might get dissapointed.. And I do notice that you are from Penang, I currently still studying in Melaka. I am afraid that I can't make it for your album shooting cause of the distance problem. Unless you really don't mind about it

Please say you mind
Please say you mind
Please say you mind
I am so not a model people
I AM F***ING SO NOT

Selfish, Reckless, Egotist

I mean that's you
You never consider about anybody
Most of the time or ALL the time you were thinking about YOURSELF

Honestly, it's not only to me
To anybody
Maybe you are kind to me
But honestly, you are not

Dinner with people
Yes, they owe you a favour
They treat you
You ordered expensive stuff?
And you mention that you will order it too even you paid yourself?
Really? Is that true?
You are just the same as my sister
I ordered cheaper stuff cause I knew you will ordered something expensive

Drive issue
Driving so fast even though I will be car-sick?
And even after I asking you to slow down?
Then all you asked is, "Don't you want to be home earlier?"
Really?!
I know you are tired
I know why you drove so fast
But seriously
Ignore the matter of fact that I will be car-sick
Did you ever consider of penalties or fees charged for high speed?
Somemore is people's car
Did you ever consider that something might happened by driving that fast?
You not even driving that kind of speed daily

I mean
Just because you are tired
You want to rush home and you never bother about anything

Same thing goes for the incident during library
I was complaining there were no sound from the earphone
And what you did?
Still remember?!
You were like pulling it straight from my head
WTF?!
Honestly, I was fucking irritating
What was that?!
Did you ever consider that it HURTS?!
But all you think is you want to fix the thing and stop my complaining

During the Jonker
You complaint that I was putting on temper again
Look, let's make things clear
People don't get upset by its own
IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING HAPPEN!
I mean is that so hard to walk with me?
It's like you feel boring and frustrated
I know it was hot
But for god sake
It's JONKER

Ignore the matter of fact that it was in Jonker
Even movies doesn't make any difference
Still remember that first morning I reached Melaka?
I woke up around 9am plus
And you wanted to watch 11am movie
And your reason is there is nothing for us to do if the movie is on 6pm or 8pm
Seriously, what the fuck is that?!
I just want to spend some time with you
And that's what you said to me
Then only I know the main reason is morning have discounted price
JUST BECAUSE you wanted to save the RM4
You wanted me to go movie after 6 hours night bus around 11am
Seriously?!

Now you were saying about me putting temper
Keeping all those stuff in one
Honestly, it's not about what I didn't say
It's about what you didn't posses
You didn't even listen
It's not I didn't say what is the problem
Is the matter that you didn't feel that it is a problem
You think the only problem is ME
Your FUCKING irritating, annoying, concurring girlfriend who never tolerate you, never care about you and never put herself on your stand and keep ruin the environment

I lied

I lied to Juin How that I will be fine
I lied to him that I am fine

NO
I am so NOT fine
I want to cry
I want him to bring me out
Out of here

But I guess he can't
So I lied

I am sorry
I can't let anybody worry
I have to be strong
I am sorry for lying

Dress Day 2

Well, today it's time for shopping
But I am not that happy to be around with her

I found some dress
But it suppose to be RM60 plus minus the shop sell RM200

Then the stories kept going
I guess I don't have to say much
Nothing end up nice

We did found some dresses
Cheap and not bad one
But
I doesn't look like last time where most of the clothes are fine
I look plummy
Know what did my sister said?
"You are fat, of course it looks fat"
"Come on, you wear what also look fat cause you are fat man"

When I come back home
My dad was trying to make joke
But it wasn't funny
It was hurt
It IS hurt
"You can't find any dress is either your stomach shown or your shoulder looks fat"

Even my mother doesn't help much
"I have to remind you, during your internship, you will gain more weight"

Weight
Weight
Weight
I gain weight doesn't cause any problem to anybody
I gain weight doesn't affect anybody
Why you guys have to do this to me?

My boyfriend
I know he cares
He mentioned it before
HE just pretend that he doesn't care

I mean
Why everyone so care about it so much?

I don't hate my look
I don't hate my weight
I am happy with it

But I feel like I going back again with my primary school life where everyone is talking about my weight
WHY?
WHY?

I feel like want to cry
But I have to pretend like nothing happen

I want to be strong
But I really really want to find a place to cry
Can I?

NO
I know I can't

Which one?

Which one is better for the wedding day time?

Dress Day 1

Shopping and looking for dinner dresses day 1
Honestly, I doesn't like it

Yesterday I went shopping in AutoCity with my sister
Due to the reason that she had broke up with her boyfriend
Fine
I went with her
And she found 2 dresses
And I accompanied her walking around
When we reached any shop
She is the one choosing and testing
She don't even bother about me
While I am the one giving her opinion and helping her carry stuff
Some more I paid for her

Today, mother urge me to get a dress
I went to Jusco
But the fucking bitch was talking phone with another guy
Seriously, she just broke up and she was planning to sub a line under another guy
What is the matter of her?
But who cares anyway?
She already with the another guy even they haven't broke up
So I just don't mind

But she was talking phone with that guy all the time and didn't even bother to look at me
Or even help me to choose
When I asked her to help me choose
Her answer was "you choose yourself, not that you don't have your own eyes"
Seriously?

I found a dress
I kinda like it so much
I spotted it long time ago
But never dare to try
Finally I tried
Yeap, I looked fat on the shoulder
But the lady took a jacket for me
Then my sister comment was "not even nice, it's not the dress problem, its your problem"

I was totally no comment
When I reached home
My sister told my mother that the dress drawing too much attention so I shouldn't buy
HaHAHA
I really really really no comment

draw too much of attention
Seriously?!

What do you think about it? 

I hate YOU

I hate people put an image on me
I hate my own sister to say this thing on me
I hate my own mother to do this on me

Seriously,
I am not pretty as you
I am not as sporty as you
But you don't have to say me like that
"I am a cold speaker?"
FUCK YOU !
"I am not an attracker?"
ASS HOLE!!

I really hate you sometimes!!

HOnestly, I really hate it!

心情即度不好！！！！！